Do you remember when the Romance section at the bookstore was full of flowers and lace that made you wonder what the books were really about? Well, wonder no longer! Current market trends have moved away from the discreet markers of roses and silk and toward total transparency of content. I’ve compiled for your amusement the best of the worst covers which I encountered during the last month of visits to my neighborhood bookseller.
Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.
Category: Village Person or Dancer? You Decide
AKA, The Fireman
AKA, The Indian
AKA, The Cop
AKA, The Cowboy. And you thought I was joking. All we’re missing is The Sailor…
Category: Is It Hot in Here or Something?
I guess it is!
No, seriously, it is.
Everything is hot in here! Even the sheets! (I am NOT considering that silk might not be referring to actual fabric)
That’s hot! That’s like…dying of brain fever hot. Sexy.
Hm…did he get a chigger down there or something, the way he’s holding that towel?
They make you sweat.
AKA, the most unfortunate time to engage in bondage play, or, alternatively, the worst time to have your house burn down. Depends on your priorities, I suppose.
I think that one just about covers it.
Category: Take Me Down to Paradise City
Where the grass is green
and the girls are pretty
oh, won’t you please take me doooown….
And all this time I never knew how the native Hawai’in names translated into English.
Resisting…The Bachelor joke…about foamy waves and overnight dates…systems fail…
Category: Men in Uniforms
“In” blue
Does anyone really think “gun” works as a euphamism? Anyone? No?
Clever pun, title intern.
Not such a clever pun, title intern. Because that just sounds…illegal and not sexy. Quite frightening, actually. Think about it next time.
I’m not really sure which lines of the Percy Sledge song to parody here. “If she’s bad he can’t see it, she can do no wrong”? “Spend his very last dime trying to hold on to what he needs”? The options are limitless…
Category: Best. Cover. Ever.: a shortlist
This model is so over posing as the effeminate lord of the night. “Gurl, look elsewhere” is what I’m getting.
I just…I don’t…Is that LIGHTNING? Coming from his PANTS? I just…no words. Lightning. Crotch. Holy shit.
Because pirates, of course, were notoriously fussy about things like being clean and shaven at all times. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Ha! Two things every man wants to avoid but might find irresistable after enough shots.
Heart. I think this is my favorite cover ever.
This is fantastic. I don’t generally read romance novels, but my sister does, so I can definitely see where the trend in covers has changed. I think what surprises me–even more so because I never realized it before–is how men are portrayed. I mean, I spend a lot of time rolling my eyes at various covers, at times, thinking about just how much they’re objectifying women. Since I never go into the romance aisle, I never discovered just how much THIS genre does the very same thing to men.
Also, is it just me, or does it seem like most of these chest models are the same person? Not much in the way of variation.
There are some new presses/imprints that I think exist solely to fuel these posts. Ellora’s Cave and Aphrodisia are relatively new, and I find myself pulling their covers off ALL THE TIME when I’m looking for these images. I have no idea what their content is, whether it’s better or worse than what is behind a cover with a bouquet of flowers or a couple waltzing at a ball or something. But if the images and titles are anything to judge by…
And yes there is a definite objectification of men. In what I consider the low-rent part of the genre it’s in the text, as well, pages and pages (over the course of the book, or in really bad ones the course of a single chapter) of rippling muscles and square jaws and gleaming skin, etc. Ironically I would say in those same books there is an almost equal objectification of women. I don’t know whether the subtext is reinforcing stereotypes about how women think men view them (how some men really do, undoubtedly) or simply giving the women who read them someone who WOULD be objectified to project themselves onto. Not sure which is worse.
The covers don’t always represent the content, with many genres, unfortunately, and since authors don’t have much control over the covers, their work is sometimes misrepresented by them. Ellora’s Cave focuses on romantic fiction that legitimizes women’s sexual experiences as part of a monogamous relationship; so clearly, they do not aim to objectify women, but to validate their physical and emotional needs within a relationship with a man who is worthy of their attention, and valued in his own right. Sure, things get pretty hot, and readers who don’t like the heat, don’t have to get into the kitchen in the first place (personally, I don’t like things to be too explicit) but there really are some good romantic tales behind these covers, which definitely are entertaining. I always look forward to this column, which is hilarious, I admit it – but I do know writers of erotica and romance in general (I am a member of RWA) and they do get hassled for these covers, when all they want to do is tell a good story that will make romance/erotica readers happy – and most of them do just that.
Really, though – just the title “Jailbait Zombie” freaks me out.
Medora, good point about the covers not always representing the content. I actually think it is a terrible move on the part of an imprint to use this kind of cover if they’re trying to legitimize erotic experiences. I like romance, and I don’t mind explicit sex, but I like books that make me feel like it’s really telling a love story not a sex story. These look like they have nothing to do with love, and I would never, under ANY circumstances, pick up a book that looked like that. And from comments friends IRL have made, if they picked up a book with a cover like these they’d be looking for something sex-based where the love part was marginalized and/or irrelevant. Maybe a marketing exec will stumble onto this and realize what a terrible idea these are. lol.
oh, and yes, jailbait zombie is beyond terrible. For me though Unlawful Contact is still a bit worse….
Oh my. I lost my breath laughing. Unlawful Contact is definitely creepy. You want to know what is creepier? Not only did someone think this up and think it was good but it got APPROVED AND PUBLISHED. Is there no quality control out there?
And I want to know who thinks I care about looking a some dude’s naked pecs? That tells me exactly zip about the story. Especially when the same pecs are on all the books…
Still giggling over the cover of “Damned, Delicious and Dangerous”. Lightning. hah. That is so silly it is funny.
amberdrake, well, to be fair to the naked pecs–they probably say as much about the story as some long-haired girl surrounded by abstract magic swirls does about a fantasy novel… But yes, some of them really do boggle the mind as to how they got past an editor. All i know is, if i ever write one i want a Captain Lightning-pants on the cover. that. is. so. awesome.
This was a good one.
Captain Lighning Pants! I smell flash fiction coming on…lol