Do you remember when the Romance section at the bookstore was full of flowers and lace that made you wonder what the books were really about? Well, wonder no longer! Current market trends have moved away from the discreet markers of roses and silk and toward total transparency of content. I’ve compiled for your amusement the best of the worst covers which I encountered during the last month of visits to my neighborhood bookseller.
Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.
Category: Stating the Obvious
True story.
I mean, with a back like that, it’s not exactly a “secret,” but let’s humor hi–I mean, her.
That comes as no surprise. Anyone who spends that much time on his abs clearly swings both ways.
What did you think this was all about, fun and games?
Um, unless this is fanfiction about the Piemaker and Chuck from Pushing Daisies (RIP), what else was it going to be than touchable?
Category: The Professionals Series
“Scarlet woman” about covers it.
That was the signal before electricity brought about the use of red lights.
She is such a professional, he actually thinks she’s enjoying herself.
I think we can all agree “kiss” is probably a euphamism in this context.
If that were “Melrose” instead of “Maple” it would explain everything.
Because you paid me for the whole night.
Category: Not As Sexy As You Seem to Think
Dr. Frankenfurter, anyone? Yeah. Enough said.
Despite what romantic comedies say, stalking is never hot.
I don’t know about you, but I’d have thought a succubus wouldn’t need silicone enhancement. Can’t tell for sure? Observe:
See what I mean? Totally fake. And she’s a succubus! That’s just sad. Actually, now that I think about it, it might be a compelling storyline, the worst succubus in the whole wide world….
Yes, my friends, that is ass cleavage. There are no others words. Except “WTF” and “why.”
Again with the wrong kind of cleavage. That is never sexy.
Girlfriend, bras are not the enemy. Trust.
Category: Why Fantasy and Romance Shouldn’t Mix
I hope she means as a snack. Team Brunette FTW!
The original Firecrotch.
That just…how does it work? I have never understood the mechanics of it.
I mean, really: how does that work?
Let me guess–”OMG. you’re a merman! WTF?”
Why is he impaling her with his sword and not the dragon? Wait, what? That’s an allegorical painting? That…oh. I get it now.
There’s nothing really wrong with these, I guess. They just look like all the worst cliches of fantasy put together. But, hey, that’s what people want, right–more of the same?
I guess in this instance it’s safe to assume the book won’t pretend to be about someone’s “inner beauty.”
