Do you remember when the Romance section at the bookstore was full of flowers and lace that made you wonder what the books were really about? Well, wonder no longer! Current market trends have moved away from the discreet markers of roses and silk and toward total transparency of content. I’ve compiled for your amusement the best of the worst covers which I encountered during the last month of visits to my neighborhood bookseller.
Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.
Category: You Lazy Bastards, or, Was This Cover Really That Good?
Wow, you really had checked out for the weekend on this one, hadn’t you?
No, pink-washing it doesn’t give it a different “mood.”
Unbuttoning his shirt doesn’t help when it’s still the same shirt.
No, using Photoshop to reverse the image and change her hair color doesn’t make it different.
I just love how obviously bored she was through the entire photo shoot.
Category: Not As Sexy As You Seem to Think, or, Time for a New Title Intern
Look, I watch The Vampire Diaries and South Park; I know addiction is a really hot topic right now. But I’ve also seen Trainspotting and Requiem for a Dream, and they told me everything I need to know about addiction-fueled relationships. Namely: AVOID.
Because getting blackmailed into sex is totally hot.
So is having sex with someone as an alternative to (1) actually having a winning argument, (2) having the werewithal, either literal or metaphorical, to pay for your own needs, or (3) jumping through those tedious legal loopholes to get what you want.
I’m guessing this is told from the point of view of either the spouse who suspects their partner of cheating or the PI/Cheaters crew hired to get photographic proof.
If you show me your pole, I’ll show you mine.
One question: WTF?
I seriously hope this about her being knocked up, because otherwise there is a vague sense of threat that the vow her father made involves guns, strategically tied rope, or an oilslick on an empty highway….
Category: So Bad, or, His Badness, or El Baderino (if you’re not into the whole brevity thing)
Tattoo, spray tan, baby oil…hey, look, The Situation has a new gig!
That’s an “I’ll steal your credit card” shirt if I ever saw one.
But it’s only wrong if she doesn’t let him finish second.
Category: Wild Horses, or, Bad Analogy Number 127
You knew this was going to happen sooner or later. Don’t even try and pretend like you didn’t.
Riiiiiight. That’s why the horses pictured all all running free on the range. Because they’re tame.
He even comes with reins already attached! And while the half-shown cover at right looks like she’s using her necklace like a bit, I’m going to point out instead the fact that it’s a PEARL NECKLACE. Lolz and ew.
Okay, look, if you’re going to use the damn analogy you can’t break it halfway through. Stallions don’t have arms, they have legs. Go big or go home, people.
See? It’s not that hard to maintain the conceit. Comparative thumbs up.
Category: Thou Shalt Sin, or, God Is Watching So Make It Hot
May as well go back to the original, what?
I’m sure her pre-marital relations have made angels cry, etc., but in the relative scheme of things this is kind of a yawn as far as sins go.
Because she was born allergic to pants. It’s a harrowing tale. Trust.
You mean like body glitter? Or is that supposed to be Alice Cullen? Wait, it’s only on True Blood that god hates fangs. I’m so confused.
You know what’s sinful? THOSE PANTS.
What’s so sinful about making sweet sweet love in front of the fireplace? Or–is that an ALLEGORICAL fire?
Because in this day and age of moral relativism, they’re getting so hard to find it takes the skills of a talented and highly trained investigator like Captain Sixpack to uncover them…
Epic Fail of the Month
Subtitle: Why does this actually look a bit like Jason Mesnick, enough so that I hope he got paid for the use of his likeness?
or,
ABC’s fall 2010 twist on the series.
Wahaha. Smashing work (as always). “Because getting blackmailed into sex is totally hot.” Haha seriously…
I also particularly liked the category So Bad, or, His Badness, or El Baderino (if you’re not into the whole brevity thing). But duh, you knew that I would….possibly thinking so even as you were writing it.
Your best set of titles yet, even better than the last hard to trump group. I really wish ‘A Father’s Vow’ had an older man on the cover so it could be about a Mormon marrying his daughter.
Also, there should really be some romance books about the morbidly obese, for the morbidly obese, with the morbidly obese on the cover.
@ Becca – now that you know how to leave comments I can totally start easter-egging stuff for you
@ Eli – ha! that would have made the Fail Cover of the month. glad i’m able to continue delivering on the promise of upward crazy. interesting to note on the very specialized book of the type you mention–there seem to be more and more fetishes popping up, as well as alternate markets (i.e., GBLT books, or M/M and W/W as they get labeled). So there might be a point where even that niche is filled. I will update as I find more.
Obese market is a growing market. May have to kick-of a BSC Imprint: Phat. Maybe, Flab?