Do you remember when the Romance section at the bookstore was full of flowers and lace that made you wonder what the books were really about? Well, wonder no longer! Current market trends have moved away from the discreet markers of roses and silk and toward total transparency of content. I’ve compiled for your amusement the best of the worst covers which I encountered during the last month of visits to my neighborhood bookseller.
Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.
Category: Just Keeping It Real
Sounds like a challenge.
Clearly, he failed. Hey, man, just keeping it real.
There’s only one kind of woman who would answer that call…
…for real.
Category: Dating and the 21st-century Single Girl
Personal protection–it’s not just about condoms anymore.
I can see the demotivator now: “HIDE AND SEEK: You’re doing it wrong.”
If I want to look like an unwashed skank, that is my business.
Hm. Not so sure I would use this as a dating strategy, but if it’s working for you….
Ah, the age of do-it-yourself instructionals. Clearly, there is no niche too small to be tapped by that market.
Too bad he plays for the other team.
Category: Poorly Conceived Fanfiction
A reference to her chastity belt, perhaps? If so, I’d read it, just because I’d be picturing Cary Elwes as Robin Hood due to that plot point in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Mm, Westley…
Man, rent is due and I’m out of ideas. Let’s see, what bittersweet classic would lend itself to being re-worked as something tawdry and pseudo-fetishistic…
I had no idea Anthony Bourdain had extended his show’s purview to include brothels.
Let’s just take a moment to think about this, shall we? A 19th-century gentlewoman, confronted with a shirtless man in broad daylight? My guess is what Jane Austen would do is run. Or scream. Or faint.
Category: The Scottish Obsession
Yes, it exists and has been diagnosed as a non-debilitating neurosis.
And some like it shirted. Different strokes, I guess.
Please tell me this one really belongs in the bad fanfiction section, because it’s about Highlander. Otherwise he’s only leaving everyone in danger of pulling a muscle laughing so hard.
Speaking of the British Isles–is our stereotype of the Irish so firmly entrenched that we think even a duke can’t button his shirt or forego strapping on a knife? Really?
Category: Well-played, Title Intern
And I can see why he likes to steal it. Point: he is fugly and I suspect he knows it. Point: that outfit is made of no, and I KNOW he knows it.
Can that be true? Please?
A worthy successor to Cowboy Commando. A++
And there’s even an extant cocktail of the same name to celebrate with, after.
This title is ace. I want to know what the librarian did! Did she descriptively catalog his item? Did she Dewey his decimal? (I don’t know what that means but it sounds fun.) See? This is effective titling.
Category: Let’s Watch a Video
As always, these don’t really need much in the way of explanation.
This one’s instructional.
SPECIAL BONUS: Epic Fail of the Month
Read the blurb from the back, paying special attention to how they spelled the names. Bonus points if you can identify the dangling modifier.
As always you made me giggle. Even more, I was imagining you surreptitiously photographing the covers at the bookstore while people around you look at you sideways…
Ha! Well, I do try to wait until there’s no one else on the aisle…it seems to make people uncomfortable. Sometimes they sneak up on me, though. Mostly I’m just waiting for the day someone comes up and asks about this column.
Oh… damn, and I wanted one of these books (just one really) but now I’m ashamed of buying it (even online xD).
Nice column
Hi cc! thanks, glad you got some giggles…but don’t be ashamed of a good book! (any book is a good book if it entertains you, that’s my philosophy). just, you know, get one of those cloth cover-ups if you take it out in public.
I thought you might run out of good titles as this column went on, but instead you seem to be getting crazier and crazier finds every time. This was one of the best collections.
One thing I never doubt is the continued quantity of romance hitting the shelves. Romance tycoons are sitting back laughing to the bank as a lot of other genres sit around and talk about themselves.
@ Eli – thanks! I thought last month was a bit mediocre so I really tried to step this one up.
But, actually I think you’re right that they are getting crazier as some of the imprints that do “video style” covers pick up more and more steam.
@ Jay – aaaaand agree.