Do you remember when the Romance section at the bookstore was full of flowers and lace that made you wonder what the books were really about? Well, wonder no longer! Current market trends have moved away from the discreet markers of roses and silk and toward total transparency of content. I’ve compiled for your amusement the best of the worst covers which I encountered during the last month of visits to my neighborhood bookseller.
Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.
Category: I’m Confused
So what is it you want me to do, again?
That’s what he said! At least, that’s what his expression is saying. And if I found myself shirtless down an abandoned mineshaft, I think I’d be confused, too, undercover mission or not.
If they were that worried about privacy, methinks they’d have found somewhere other than a balcony for their tryst…
If the night is so still, why is his cloak billowing and his locks flowing? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Why would anyone ever put these two titles right next to each other on the endcap? It just makes them look like sequels, in which the second completely unravels the happily ever after of the first. Am I wrong?
How is is ever “accidental”? I mean, did leprechauns steal them off your body whilst you were distracted by a rainbow? No? Then I’m afraid it’s impossible. You knew if you put them on this morning or not. You knew.
Category: My Brain Is Miswired and Mistakes Cheesecake for Foreplay
If that combination doesn’t sound like seduction, I don’t know what can. Right? RIGHT?
No, no, no, it’s oysters and PINEAPPLE! What a bunch of amateurs.
Really this one just makes me think it’s a collection of sob stories about women who got dumped and soothed their sorrows with a box of candy. The next scene is her throwing the box at Cary Grant and yelling “Liar!” at her TV. Not sexy.
I’ve got to hand it to them–there is really no lie here. Both the cherry and the cream are euphamisms, leaving only what the title claims. Well played.
Well, they DO say the way to a man’s heart is his stomach….
Just pretend it has to do with that Better Than Ezra song. You’ll be happier.
Category: Because Being Mastered Is Totally Hot
And I’m not just saying that because the Stockholm Syndrome has already kicked in.
But is it about about polygamy or white slavery? Decisions, decisions.
When you can’t be bothered to master the skills for yourself, just call this guy.
But is it better to be the lord or the master, if you can only be one? I’ve never been clear.
So…this is about a man and his captive tiger?
Category: The Wild Wild West
Where all the girls are strippers!
And all the boys are shirtless!
They have their own euphamism for “tramp stamp.”
All the men have down-to-earth names to make up for their lack of shirts.
They’re good with rope!
They think dried cow skulls are high art!
They don’t blush, they just tip their hats.
Because that’s all you’ll be able to find!
Category: And Because Paranormal Couldn’t Let the Cowboys Win…
They have their own use for the language of the frontier!
I mean, humans don’t actually have any instincts anymore, so we have to live vicariously through our familiars.
Just more proof in the pudding. Er, puma.
Hm…the expression on this guy’s face makes me take that title a bit more literally than I think they meant. But, does he not looked…devolved? “Romance novels: so easy a caveman can be in them.” Where’s the Geico caveman to protest when you really need him?
“Area wildcat a real wild cat in the sack.”
This stallion just needs to be ridden a few times. Then he’ll love me forever, for sure!
If it weren’t for that mountain lion on the cover I’d be convinced they meant a different kind of cougar. But no. Just another man who needs gentling.
Miriam-Webster’s Thesaurus: for the times when you can’t write the word you really mean.
Epic Fail of the Month
While I give you full credit for coming up with an interesting euphamism for the female anatomy, you also have a hero wearing a sleeveless duster. A. Sleeveless. Duster. Go think about what you did wrong there.
