For a movie that is advertised as a “mangasm,” The Expendables is surprisingly light on homosexual subtext. All around, this movie is 100% entertainment, absurd fun that has been hard to find this summer. This is no Götterdämmerung for 80s-90s action and the men who made it possible, but more like a self parody along the lines of Not Another Action Movie. At age 64, Stallone refuses to quit, co-writing and directing this undeniably grand production, pulling together an admirable cast of straight-to-DVD types, dubious athletes (save for Terry Crews), and refugees from the big screen. I firmly believe the film is unique in its ambition and execution; you’ve never seen such an absurd mix of silliness and cathartic violence before.
The principal players are Stallone himself as Barney Ross (team leader, naturally), Jason Statham playing Lee Christmas (right hand man to Stallone), Jet Li as Yin Yang (really?), Terry Crews as Hale Caesar (Really?), Randy Couture as Toll Road (REALLY?), and Dolph Lundgren, stealing the show as Gunnar Jensen. In addition we get Mickey Rourke as Tool, manager for the Expendables, and a tattoo artist/biker. Willis and Schwarzenegger also make cameos to trade some quips. Really, there is only a dynamic between Stallone and Statham and Li and Lundgren with some occasional interplay between the two parties. Statham does most of the heavy lifting, seeming to be the youngest and in the best shape of the aging ensemble. Steve Austin shows up as the main threat on the bad guy side, looking plenty intimidating and ready to put his wrestling moves to good use.
Minor and major spoilers herein.
We’re introduced to the team in a bloody/ridiculous take down of some Somalia pirates (ripped STRAIGHT from the HEADLINES) and we see how Dolph Lundgren (Gunnar) is totally out of control. From here on in, the plot revolves around a fictitious and tiny Central American island of 6000 people, held captive by General Garza, a dictator who is beyond generic. A rogue CIA agent is somehow inducing the General to grow Coca plants and oppress his people. His daughter Sandra is opposed to him and serves as both a contact and moral burden to Stallone, who must take on this suicide mission at the behest of the CIA to save her. Instead of acts of a play, this movie presents action scenes I, II, and III. Statham and Stallone show that they indeed mean business by murdering a whole truckload of soldiers–half by hand or blade–just on their reconnaissance mission. They then proceed to shoot up a dock full of soldiers by airplane, dump a load of fuel on them, and blow them up in one of the biggest practical explosions on screen since the the mid-90s. Movies don’t really offer this anymore; it’s a breath of fresh air.
Action scene II is Lundgren (who is a seething mass of hysteria and insanity) in a great car chase with Stallone and Li. Stallone does things right: his classic truck is bulletproof. The chase is served up like the old days. Lundgren is really, really tall and has a fight with Li, who is really, really small. This comic book pairing and fight is like a Saturday morning cartoon. The fight is great; Jet Li always pleases, and he has the lightest mood of any performance he’s ever given. This all leads up to the main event, the assault on the island by the Expendables. The following sequence may be the longest continual action scene in memory. Multiple fights with multiple weapons in multiple locations strain the brain trying to keep up with all of the violence. Occasionally, the movie will move into Rambo levels of violence, though it doesn’t look nearly as realistic. And Stallone chops off a head for good measure. Statham provides the best fight choreography (all those Transporter films payed off), followed by Jet Li, and the underused Terry Crews who ventilates a whole tunnel full of soldiers with his machine shotgun, and later throws a foldable straight razor into someone’s neck.
This goes on forever, and by the end you will be almost too overwhelmed to think about the criminally terrible CGI flames that engulf the CGI palace that falls down under the force of the most C4 charges ever placed in a movie. The action goes to slow motion for no apparent reason at times. You might wonder why the soldiers have a moat full of gasoline running through their camp, and you might wonder how the Expendables were able to kill an entire army without losing a single man, perhaps even without a single gunshot wound. When his machine gun ammo runs out, Stallone is able to fire and reload his pistols so fast that he may as well be firing full auto; he is able to dispatch whole groups of men with no apparent effort. The film takes the audience by the hand and leads them down a path of the absolutely absurd. In the end you can’t fault the movie, because it is genuinely entertaining and consistent for its considerable running time.
On the other hand, you might ask why the Expendables would welcome Lundgren back into the group after he betrayed them and tried to assassinate two of their number. It might be me, but if my friend EVER tried to shoot me, beat me to death, or impale me on a rusty pole, I just wouldn’t hang out with him/her anymore. I guess it’s just different when you’re an Expendable. I was shocked that the theater was crowded, and one of the shows was even sold out. If Stallone makes enough bank, could we possibly see The Expendables 2? Maybe next time Jean Claude and Seagal won’t be so painfully and obviously absent from the party.
