Nancy Grace’s THE ELEVENTH VICTIM To Be Made Into Horrible Lifetime Movie

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Good news for people who love things that suck horribly

I operate in my daily life under the assumption that Nancy Grace is Jean Smart‘s uptight twin sister, or that at the very least, each night before she sits down in front of the camera to cram a big ol’ skillet of her southern-fried horseshit down the American gullet, Grace takes a long swig from a tall crystal chalice of Jean Smart’s still-living blood.  I would recommend adopting this ethos to anyone who suffers from even a moderate set of neuroses.  It is a strangely comforting thought in this world of disparate, glaring contrasts.

Of course, it’s easy to pick on Nancy Grace, and I thank Jerry Falwell’s God for that, because even the slightest mitigation in any effort to undermine her reputation as a journalist would be as futile as it would be misguided.  Nancy Grace doesn’t need anybody’s help.  Being a self-righteous asshole is her stock-and-trade.  She is to journalism what Gloria Allred is to civil litigation–a firebreathing circus twit who flies the media trapeze from one salacious headline to the next.

But that ain’t all, sugah.  She is also a paid novelist, which as a writer, is as sickening a thought as the knowledge that Kenny G, in addition to having outsold John Coltrane a thousand times over, is also a founding investor in Starbucks, despite the fact that he has never had a cup of coffee.  I realize I am digressing.  Indulge me.  It is my digressions that prevent me from having time to purchase firearms.

Anyhoo, a couple years back Nancy Grace slapped her name across a universally panned novel called The Eleventh Victim, which is about dead hookers and the woman who doggedly pursues their killer.  That vapid, ponderous tome has now been adapted into a script that will be made into a Lifetime movie starring Jennie Garth, according to Deadline.  Grace will add the vanity plate “executive producer” to her existing personal masthead which already bears the titles “author,” “television host,” and “failed District Attorney.”

They crank these things out pretty quick over at Lifetime, so I’d expect the finished product to be infecting your cable line within the year.