ROBOCOP Adds Gary Oldman: Nice Try

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Gary Oldman Fails To Justify Existence Of ROBOCOP Remake

I truly hate this remakes trend movies are going through. Sure, there are exceptions, but for every The Fly or The Thing, there’s, oh, I dunno, every other fucking remake ever made! News that the RoboCop remake is moving forward makes me hope that stupid people are right, and the world ends this year.

Maybe I’m being a bit extreme, but I do find this news pretty sad. Paul Verhoeven’s 1987 film is both a hilarious satire on commercialisation and an awesome action film, moving with boundless energy. It has to be one of the most purely entertaining films I’ve ever seen. It was cool, it had gigantic space-hopper-sized balls, and is endlessly quotable.

The film feels as relevant as ever, and still looks sharp as hell, which in my book, are further reasons why a remake would be redundant. Apparently no one in Hollywood reads my book (even though I sent it with a nice fruit basket and homemade biscuits), because the logic is just to move along and make the damned thing anyway.

Does anyone really think that this is going to have the power, or be as edgy or cool or interesting as the original? The old RoboCop was a film that punched its way out of its filmic womb and beat moviegoers into submission – this RoboCop is one that is being created to cash in on brand recognition. Look, I have no proof, but I can say with a degree of absolute certainty that MGM has been bought out by OCP to make a homogenised, controllable RoboCop.

Anyway, Twitch Film is reporting that Gary Oldman has signed on to the project. Gary Oldman – great actor, he’s been in a bunch of films I loved, and it’s probably hoped that his inclusion will win over a few people. Nice try, OCP: please let Mr. Oldman go, so he can do something better. Or, at least, original.

Oldman is set to play a scientist who creates RoboCop. Cool. How about just making a different movie about Gary Oldman making a cyborg? I’d be down with that. I love Oldman, but I just can’t imagine Oldman’s character ingesting as much cocaine and fucking as many hookers onscreen as Miguel Ferrer’s similar character from the original. And, as my essay that I sent to MGM titled “What I Want From A Movie With Cyborg Policemen Is Lots Of Cocaine And Hookers” states – me likey hookers and coke, please.

I know that these remakes/reimaginings/reboots/reheatings of established properties is just the studios’ reaction to dwindling box office receipts, but, well… ya done got greedy, guys. So, suck it up, and maybe move away from this awful tentpole production routine you have. You’re dinosaurs, and these remakes just prove it.

Please stop cashing in on my fond memories of superior films, you’re making me and Cameron Ashley grumpy.

Although the studios are increasingly irrelevant, we can look elsewhere to find cool stuff. So, instead of giving money to see bullshit like this RoboCop remake, let’s all kick in $15 bucks to fund Phil Tippett’s amazing looking Mad God - an incredible looking, completely original, batshit crazy art film from the guy who created Ed-209.

Meanwhile, at OCP MGM studios: “Guys! Guys! Someone on the internet thinks it’s stupid that we’re remaking RoboCop!”

“The ‘internet’, eh? Well, boys, what do we know? Halt production! Let Gary Oldman out of his cage!”