Fred Willard Commits A Boner, Is Held By Police

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Actor and comedian Fred Willard, best known for his work in Christopher Guest’s comedies, was arrested at adult cinema (for you youngsters, this was the internet for your grandparents, and also where your father was when he had “late meetings”) the Tiki Theater for allegedly holding his penis. THR is reporting that Willard and his lawyer, Paul Takakjian, are contesting the charges, with Takakjian noting that he will be “working vigorously to clear [Willard’s] name” in relation to the allegations that Willard was working vigorously. Fight fire with fire, guys.

Officers allegedly found Willard during a “routine police search” of the theatre, which is surely the hardest beat those cops could be on, considering what they must be exposed to daily. For his part, Willard called the whole thing a “big misunderstanding” when interviewed by TMZ, which is better than when the same thing happened to me and it was referred to as a “small misunderstanding.”

The 72-year old notes that a “strange situation” caused him to be in the theatre in the first place, which was presumably that he was horny. But, all dick jokes aside, you’ve gotta feel for the guy a bit. This is what the internet is meant to protect you from. Good on Mr. Willard for still having the stamina and determination at his age, pity about the humiliation it’s causing him. But really, he wasn’t doing nothing that anyone writing this article isn’t doing as they type, while in a busy cafe. I hope he can just come out and own the allegations, just Ernest Borgnine (RIP) that shit.

Willard was said to be watching an X-Rated parody of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s series The Client List, and, who can blame him, as anyone who’s seen that show has certainly thought to themselves “This would be much better with a bit more penetration.” I wonder how long until the porn parody of Fred Willard being busted by some sexy police officers is filmed? You can have that one for free, internet. Unless you actually make it, in which case, please shoot me some of your sweet jizz-money.

Following the allegations, Willard has been fired as host of the PBS show Market Warriors, as the show that is essentially porn for septuagenarians doesn’t want to be sullied in association with septuagenarians viewing porn.

Really, though, poor Fred Willard. Obviously he wasn’t warned, like my mother constantly told me – “Liam, don’t masturbate, or you’ll be arrested and lose your job hosting a show about antiques.”