ROBOCOP Remake Throws Pokeball, Catches Jackie Earle Haley

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RoboCop is a movie that is being made. It was a movie previously. Now it is a different movie. There are people right now who are being paid to see how excited we are about this. Whose job is to go online and figure out how to sell this pre-packaged product to us. It has a good director in José Padilha, and a fucken excellent cast already assembled. Now they’ve added Jackie Earle Haley to that cast, according to Collider. Haley is known for his excellent performance in Little Children, and to comic fans as Rorschach in the Watchmen film. He’s really good. But, I’m still pretty grumpy about this film.

Why am I grumpy? I’m glad you asked. Very nice of you to take an active interest in my feelings. You can have one Internet Snack. The idea of remakes just rankles me. Particularly films that seem so iconoclastic, so singular in their vision, with a one-of-a-kind tone like RoboCop was. What possible direction can this go in that will feel at all like it has something to say, and wasn’t just put together to make money based on brand recognition. I know this stuff is all widely known, but these movies are reverse engineered – the studio looks through its IPs, throws some darts, picks out some names, sets a release date, THEN hires a director and screenwriter. Then hires the talent. Then rewrites the film. Then starts filming. Then they start rewriting the film again in the middle of shooting. Then it wraps. Then they rewrite it again, do some reshoots. Then the studio points out to the director that he or she doesn’t get a say in “final edit” and does whatever they want in post-production.

And sure, that’s the basic way most big budget films get made, but it’s just so depressing and cynical. It’s also why so many films that come out, particularly big budget films, are fucking awful. Whenever a blockbuster studio movie is more than just okay, people go ecstatic, as though that’s a reason to celebrate. Good movies should be the rule, not the exception. There are times when these remakes end up incredibly – I love David Cronenberg’s The Fly, for example – but that was Cronenberg being given near-complete creative control over the product. This new RoboCop film has been through several directors before it began filming.

Anyway, the RoboCop remake has a mandated release date of August 9^th, 2013, so they’ll probably start shooting soon, because it’s hard to get a movie of this size made and edited in so little time. So, it’ll likely be rushed. Yay.

Oh, also, Jay Baruchel is maybe signing on. I love him, too. Now I’m just going to close my eyes and imagine a place where all these actors and this director get to make an original movie, that they’d all love to do with a decent budget. I’ll imagine that, and also Aubrey Plaza is my wife, just because. Also, I have a jetpack and my name is Dragon.