Hurray. – SMALLVILLE Writers Near Deal To Write Vin Diesel Vehicle THE MACHINE

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Apparently, even this shit doesn’t write itself.

I guess I would do it, too.  Not that anybody’s offering, but let’s say I was up to my neck in plush sofa one day, and a knock came at the door (by the way, even this most basic element of the hypothesis, like, never happens), and I was inclined to disentangle myself from the myriad of pillows and cushions and microfiber throws to get up to answer it, and on the other side stood, let’s say, somebody in a business suit with a brown paper bag full of cash and a contract to write a color-by-numbers schlock script for Vin Diesel’s next picture, I’d probably have to say, “Sure, why the hell not?”

Of course, my door is accessible for knocking only if one is buzzed through a preliminary door at ground level and is then capable of solving the moving puzzle of three opposing inward-swinging doors that comprise the tiny vestibule in front of my building.  But nobody brings bags of money to my door, or for that matter, bags of sandwiches that I myself have requested to be delivered.

In this cold, hard world, you have to prove yourself as a writer of schlock before you can be pursued as a writer of schlock, and I can tell you from experience that a daily screed of self-serving quips does not qualify.

What does qualify is the creation of a television series that spends over a decade covering ad nauseum the least interesting portion of the story of America’s most beloved superhero as he soldiers through his awkward phase, without ever getting him into the goddamned suit.  This would be the stock-in-trade of Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, or as I like to call them, the Blue Balls Boys.

Gough and Millar are expected to sign on for Vin Diesel’s wild ride into utter predictability, according to Deadline.  The Machine is the story of a manlike machine that is secretly created by the Pentagon to…you know what?  Why spoil it?  If Gough and Millar choose to sign on the dotted line, the act of signing the actual document will represent the least repetitive bit of writing they do on the entire project .

The Machine will suck horribly and die ignored, wedged between a Carrot Top movie and a Pauly Shore movie in a Redbox somewhere on the outskirts of Cincinnati.