Tom Cruise as JACK REACHER Trailer Released

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Spoiler Alert: In spite of small stature, Cruise still manages to beat up a bunch of dudes.

In offering my instant response to the newly-released trailer for Jack Reacher, Tom Cruise’s holiday effort for this year, I’ll say up front that I’ve never read any of Lee Child’s Jack Reacher novels.  As such, it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference to me that the Reacher character is described as being a lummox-like six-feet-five-inches tall and 250 pounds versus Cruise, who is optimistically about five-eight, a buck-sixty-five.  Probably because at this point in my life, I’ve watched Cruise kill/beat the living shit out of approximately 14 million people who were all bigger than him.  Whatever Cruise is in reality, my brain is thoroughly conditioned to believe that he can fuck up a whole palletload of people without it really even messing up his appointment calendar for the given day.

If you’re a Reacher purist (and I have to think at least a few of you are), and are feeling somewhat chagrined at the casting selection based on the whole size thing, please take heart in the fact that it certainly could have been worse.  Paging Mr. Cage?  Anyone?  Didn’t think so.  You should rest assured that the notion of Reacher as a living instrument of justice is in good hands with Cruise, just based on the clip:

http://youtu.be/kK7y8Ou0VvM

After watching the trailer, I’m moderately optimistic on the flick, but still holding on to my Django Unchained money, which comes out four days later.

As a quick aside, and since nobody bothered to ask, I think Jack Reacher is a just a shitty idea for a title.  Jack Reacher is not a household name.  Popular?  I guess.  But in terms of recognition, probably on a par with John Carter (incidentally, of Mars), who may not have sold as many books as Reacher, but has been hanging around a helluva lot longer.

Ask around.  Nobody knows who the fuck John Carter is (particularly if you walk the lot at Walt Disney Studios, I would imagine), and nobody is looking to spend fifty bucks on two tickets and a few hundred grams of sugar to find out.  It may sound cheesy, but the studio doorstops at Paramount might consider something along the lines of Jack Reacher: Scumbag Puncher, or Jack Reacher: Tall Enough To Beat Your Lily Ass.  Why?  Because I don’t like leaving the house, and I’m sure as hell not getting out to go see, like, some dude.

Jack Reacher is due in theaters on December 21st, whoever the hell he is.