Category:  It’s  My Third Christmas Post, and I’m All Out of Clever Ways to Say That, So Let’s Just Leer at Some Nekkid Folks Bragging by Doing about How Merry Their Christmas Is Going to Be and Laugh at Some Ridiculous Scenarios Title Intern Thought Were Good Ideas, Mkay?

Well, in a world where vampires exist, why not Santa Claus, too?  Or is this what happens when the Woodland Creatures finally get their Christmas story to come true?

Why am I picturing him standing there Red Hot Chile Peppers style in literally nothing but her stocking?

She’s practicing her best “I’ll suck your candy cane for a thousand dollars” face.

Is it just me or does he have an icicle booger?  And all this time I thought vampires were all so incomparably suave.

I sincerely hope you are being paid double to follow around some cheating husband on Christmas night.  Presumably the second part of your fee is the warm gratitude of the disillusioned wife?

The heart-warming story of a desperate man and a desperate hooker finding each other beneath the holiday lights of Central Park.

Girl, if you’d put on some tights or leggings over your legs it will reduce that feeling significantly.  Promise.

He must be a secret operative in the War Against Christmas.

Hm…I guess this is making a visual/titular interpretation of the old expression that dancing is a vertical expression of horizontal desire?

Starstruck?  Like the three wise men or something?

And one for the road to ruin opening in 2011:

Scandalously, button-free, I mean they’re practically synonyms, am I right?

Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempt to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category:  The Most Scandalous Time of the Year

If she spends all winter dressed (you know, “dressed”) like that, this is obviously nothing but a reference to her heating bill.

“One cowboy, one bar, one hell of a holiday.”  Hm.  Is he like the only cowboy at the only bar in town, and all the angry divorcees are the only ones who go in an drink on Christmas?  Or is it one hellacious Christmas because his nipples got frostbite?

On the fourth night of Christmas, my true love gave to me:  four whispered words, three French kisses, two roaming hands, and…uh, honey, I really can’t find a euphemism for sex that rhymes with “tree.”  Do I really have to finish the song before I get any?

I just love the fact that they’re doing it up against her snowflake-encrusted window for all the world to see. I dunno, with a red wash like that, maybe they’re a window show in Amsterdam?

Ah, just what every female wants to find under her tree.  Thanks, Santa!

Category:  Mistletoe…Spanish Fly for Dudes Who Won’t Roofie a Drink

I’m not really sure why anyone would hang mistletoe in the barn or the wine cellar (I can’t tell which this is supposed to be), so this makes me think they had a planned assignation that didn’t really require mistletoe except as an excuse.

This is one of those fabulously amusing titles that tells you pretty much the whole story on the front cover. Regency style, though, instead of “The Greek Tycoon Accidentally Knocked up His Secretary.”

Damn, they’re also going to have one heck of a heating bill.

She’s only smiling like that because they were Jimmy Choos.

I just…this is the funniest thing I have ever seen.  Thanks, Santa!

Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempt to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category:  Black Friday – The Darkest Day of the Year

Well, if it really is the darkest hour, then I guess his not-so-concealed weapon will be cleverly hidden, after all.

There are so many things to love about this cover; the black panther, the random splatter pattern of the waterfall because something needed to go in the lower left quadrant, the intriguing shadow over his hip that implies he might be wearing a man-thong. But I am forced to conclude, after much consideration, that the title is, in fact, literal:  this is his darkest tan ever, therefore his darkest embrace.  Well played, title intern.  Well played.

(Yes, author names get counted in the dark survey.)  This is considerably less provocative than the firecrotch cover.  This is like, nuclear boob mountain.  Not sure what the girl has to do with anything.  Let’s pretend she’s on a doomed quest to throw the Cloak of Domination into the radiation, expecting to die in the doing, only to be rescued at the last minute by the dragons who didn’t owe a big enough debt to her pimp to just fucking fly her over NBM in the first place, but were under his thumb enough to agree to go after her once the Dark Lord was annihilated.  Man, who knew dragons were such poozes? 

If by “dark” you mean possessed by the spirit of eternal despair and cursed to walk through the world seeing how phony everyone around you is and being upon, and stuff…(emo hair flip)…then, yes, I am the dark sentinal.

Brought to you by Ikea.

…make everything bigger.

Why?  Because he is so pretty you can never show your face, lest someone stare at you longer and whip him into a frothing rage?  He does look that jealous Latin type….

Hm.  Hm…since the only part of him hidden is what’s in his pants, do we assume this cover is a euphemism for the fact that Precious wears a turtleneck?

Category:  Christmas Season Always Starts on Black Friday

31 gallons of waissail to drink, 31 gallons of cheer!  Tap one out, pass it about, thi-ir-ty gallons of waissail to drink….

Order by December 15th for guaranteed Christmas delivery!

“Just call me Nick.”

Damn, that is a Black Friday steal!  Unless, of course, this year’s present is his dick in a box, in which case–dude.  $4.99 for that box?  Really?

But especially the holidays, because the firelight flatters him so, don’t you think?

Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempt to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category: Those Sure Are Some Tig Ole Bitties

Uh, unless he’s the Terminator or something I’m not really sure why he’s shielding her with his arms instead of getting her out of the crossfire.

I don’t…I just…WTF.  Is she a gymnast, or maybe a Marine, who can hoist herself by one arm and be so unbothered by the strain she can still enjoy the benefits of the positioning?  I’m so confused.

Is she dripping because her rude awakening was a bucket of water tossed over her?  Because the only other thing I can posit is that her blatant invitation is wasted on a man who prefers the other side of the aisle. That, too, would be a rude awakening.

Well, at least this one isn’t trying to be coy with its content.

Is this about incurably wandering hands?  Like the romance novel sequel to the ridiculously underrated Seth Green opus Idle Hands?  Or are we supposed to assume by the variety of “exotic” locations that she is a female Barney nabbing a man from every country by going to every country?

Heh.  I guess riding solo is the equivalent of being wild these days?

Category: Don’t Mess With Texas

Point of interest?  Those two dudes are interested in each other, not you, honey.  That hand on your ass?  About to shove you out of his way.  Fair warning.

Ah, the ole shirtless cowboy routine.  Hey, man, some dirty little hometown girls like the smell of hay-mold and cow dung.  If she’s one for riding dirty, you’ve got just the ticket.

Or, you know, hell no.

…are allergic to shirts.

(I intentionally left the books to either side so you can see what else she wants from her Texans.)  At least this guy understands that if you’re going to pack heat in a shoulder harness, as of course any real Texas Ranger does, you have to cover it in order for it to be concealed.  Learn from it, Shoot to Thrill guy.

“Saddle up, ladies”?  So…this really should be titled after that truly charming bumper sticker, Save a horse, ride a cowgirl?

You can see how reluctant he is by the fact that he only has two buttons undone.  From above we know he can’t possibly be a real cowboy, dressed like that!

Yeah, dude, I’m not so sure it’s really a secret. 

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category: Hot Enough to Melt Ice

So, is he winter to deliver these “deep” kisses?  Or does he have enough of an ice fetish that he freezes his custom-made [insert Twitard female vampire here] doll?

This could also have gone into a category like “Unfortunate Text Effects,” because all that the light-speed function used on the title does, against that particular cover image, is make it look like his crotch is glowing. What? Is it…sainted?  Radioactive?  Just that lily-white?  WTF.  I’m scared.

Apparently they have claws.  Also–aren’t they going to melt against his body heat, if not the external temperature, long before you have accomplished whatever you needed to chain him up for?  Just sayin’.

Cold midnight, warm body.  By which I mean, this cover looks like the title should really be While the Body’s Still Warm.

I’m guessing that also implies “born to never wear a shirt”?

Category: Playin’ with Fire

Oh, something‘s flaming, all right.

Is that…an 8-pack?  No.  Oh, honey, no.  If you work out so hard you surpass the configurations of beer packaging, you’re doing it wrong.  Or maybe he’s trying for a 12-pack?  All I know is, 6 is plenty for one sitting if you know what I mean.

Black phoenix…is that like a black sheep?  The cast-out prince?  Maybe it’s because it sounds like he’s lord of the raging STD. 

So this cover has almost everything: Skimpily clad, no-curvatured white girl looking over her shoulder?  Check.  Relatively useless weapon in her hand, held as daintily as most cigar models hold their props? Check.  Random animal that may be her familiar, her alter ego, or her lover? Check.  Featurless cityscape that tells you its Some City, Somewhere, to do its part to justify the ridiculous genre name? Check.  Vaguely suggestive title that could apply either to sex or her magical powers? Check.  The only thing missing, in fact, is her tramp stamp.  Maybe it’s behind her arm.  If we can assume it is, then I think this book is up for Urban Fantasy Cover of the Year–what about you?

I don’t quite follow where this image has anything to do with either pride or fire, but whatever. At least he doesn’t look like his pecs are larger than his pack…age.

Er…point of interest?  There is a suspicious glow off to your right, as if the forest itself might be on fire.  Now is perhaps not the best time for that.

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category: Hints more of coercion than attraction

“I ride through the desert on a horse, with no shirt…”

How many title interns have to be fired before the publishers figure out they need to explain the dangers of antecedent omission before they let them start writing?

So this is like, Danielle and the jaguar’s den or something?

Is this a cheap James Bond knock-off?  His bitches do tend to end up dead….

Yeah, that face doesn’t say “stalker” or anything.

Too many places to go with this one.  Promises?  Vows?  Spirit?  Mind?  Or is it just about getting de-virginized?  Either way, I’m kind of scared.

Yeah…in no version of Little Red Riding Hood is the wolf the good guy.

Category: Temptations–they’re irresistible

Wait, is that…are there TWO dudes in that embrace?

“Yes, well, that’s all you get to see for free.  Now pony up or pass on by.  A working girl’s too busy for this!”

To do, what, exactly?  Pleasure himself?  Hot.  Totally.

Yes, the forbidden does add that extra something to the allure, doesn’t it?

Is this the same as “the forbidden valley”? 

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category:  Haunt Me, Baby

Hm…is he haunting someone?  Or is he being haunted by the memory of his lost buttons?  

It’s 9/10s of the law. 

So if I understand this title right, they’re both currently possessed?  Did they meet at Afterliving Anonymous or something?

There is a ghost of a chance that this cover doesn’t tell you the entire book.

“Seduce the forbidden.”  I think that tagline says more than I ever could.

All she inherited was a haunted castle…

This title and this tagline implies she’s had more than one ghostly admirer. Kinky!

Category:  The Devil You Know

Yes, Miss Heyworth, those are quite charming.

Let me guess, more evolutionary biology to excuse any behavior whatsoever. 

His STD is so hellish it starts at his knees.

And the cowgirl pictured in silhouette would know that because…?

Uh….he doesn’t look red to me….

Well, of course the devil’s a smooth operator.  Think he uses “Smooth Criminal” as a ringtone?  I’ve got $5 on it.

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category:  Do What I Tell You

Because I find nothing sexier than a poltergeist. 

What do you say to that?  Yes.  Do that.

With pleasure. Not, you know, because you’re secretly a serial killer planning to strangle me.

Not to be confused with the upcoming vampire movie.  Or is it?

The only question is, which one comes first?

“Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-touch me!  I want to be di-i-i-irty!”

Like, pinch my nipples and shit.  Yeah.

Category:  Someone Needs to Re-think This Wording

Somebody’s been watching Dogma!  Look at that lack of belly button! 

Just please don’t think about the fact that this is set in medieval times, and we didn’t brush our teeth back then. 

Heee!  Best. Double-entendre pun. Ever.

Stand and deliver.  Rise and shine.  Is that a pikestaff in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?  I could go on all night…. Heh.

…what?  STDs?  Nymphomania?  Narcolepsy?  Yeah.  There should be a little more lead with this one.

The triefecta of oxymorons.  I wonder if this is a series?

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

I’ve pondered before whether it’s better to be a lord or a master:

I thought a few more might help us to decide.  Thus–

Category:  Lords and Masters

Ante up, bitches!

Oh, I’ll see your ante.  I’ll see it, and I’ll raise it.

Call.

I’ll see your call and raise you a bluff.

I’ll take your bluff and raise you a belted vest.  Your argument has been rendered invalid.

And for those who don’t have the leisure for such academic debates, because they have to work for a living–

Category:  Occupations

Please tell me this is what the Backstreet Boys are up to these days!

Because she’ll never be safer than she is when I’m on top of her.

I’m a scholar, not a fighter.  But first and foremost, I’m a lover.

 This is harder than it looks.  And I’m not referring to my “pikestaff.”

It’s a tough job, being laird of Clan McBaredchest, but somebody’s got to do it.

Bitch, please. I haven’t worn a shirt since the war in Heaven.  Because we based sides on shirts vs. skins, obviously.

Because not even the future is safe from the scourge of shirtlessness.

Two words:  GOB Bluth.    

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Category:  Unfortunate Pop Culture References

I can see the Demotivator now:  “Show and Tell–you’re doing it right.”

Let me guess:  you liked it.

The strangely disturbing alternate universe wherein Dexter was adopted out to Texas. 

A Memoir:  by Toby Keith.

That just sounds like the plot to a 70s adult film.

Hm….is it just me, or does he look like Vampire Bill and Sookie?  I thought that book was already written?

Category:  Sartorial Mishaps

Damn.  I just knew I shouldn’t have stiffed my tailor last time I needed adjustments.

I’m not exactly sure what part of being a weather witch or a storm chaser requires assless chaps, but, you’d know more about it all than I would….

Um.  Why is a pearl necklace involved?  And what are they trying to say by having HIM wearing it?

Unfortunately I know entirely too much about period underwear, and that is a Victorian corset.  Fail.

So…I’m not seeing any black? 

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

Category: I’m Confused

So what is it you want me to do, again?

That’s what he said!  At least, that’s what his expression is saying.  And if I found myself shirtless down an abandoned mineshaft, I think I’d be confused, too, undercover mission or not.

If they were that worried about privacy, methinks they’d have found somewhere other than a balcony for their tryst…

If the night is so still, why is his cloak billowing and his locks flowing?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Why would anyone ever put these two titles right next to each other on the endcap?  It just makes them look like sequels, in which the second completely unravels the happily ever after of the first. Am I wrong?

How is is ever “accidental”?  I mean, did leprechauns steal them off your body whilst you were distracted by a rainbow?  No?  Then I’m afraid it’s impossible.  You knew if you put them on this morning or not.  You knew.

Category:  My Brain Is Miswired and Mistakes Cheesecake for Foreplay

If that combination doesn’t sound like seduction, I don’t know what can. Right?  RIGHT? 

No, no, no, it’s oysters and PINEAPPLE!  What a bunch of amateurs. 

Really this one just makes me think it’s a collection of sob stories about women who got dumped and soothed their sorrows with a box of candy.  The next scene is her throwing the box at Cary Grant and yelling “Liar!” at her TV.  Not sexy.

I’ve got to hand it to them–there is really no lie here.  Both the cherry and the cream are euphamisms, leaving only what the title claims.  Well played.

Well, they DO say the way to a man’s heart is his stomach….

Just pretend it has to do with that Better Than Ezra song.  You’ll be happier.

Category:  Because Being Mastered Is Totally Hot

And I’m not just saying that because the Stockholm Syndrome has already kicked in.

But is it about about polygamy or white slavery?  Decisions, decisions.

When you can’t be bothered to master the skills for yourself, just call this guy.

But is it better to be the lord or the master, if you can only be one?  I’ve never been clear.

So…this is about a man and his captive tiger?

Category:  The Wild Wild West

Where all the girls are strippers!

And all the boys are shirtless!

They have their own euphamism for “tramp stamp.”

All the men have down-to-earth names to make up for their lack of shirts. 

They’re good with rope!

They think dried cow skulls are high art!

They don’t blush, they just tip their hats.

Because that’s all you’ll be able to find!

Category: And Because Paranormal Couldn’t Let the Cowboys Win…

They have their own use for the language of the frontier!

I mean, humans don’t actually have any instincts anymore, so we have to live vicariously through our familiars.

Just more proof in the pudding.  Er, puma.

Hm…the expression on this guy’s face makes me take that title a bit more literally than I think they meant.  But, does he not looked…devolved? “Romance novels: so easy a caveman can be in them.”  Where’s the Geico caveman to protest when you really need him?

“Area wildcat a real wild cat in the sack.”

This stallion just needs to be ridden a few times. Then he’ll love me forever, for sure!

If it weren’t for that mountain lion on the cover I’d be convinced they meant a different kind of cougar.  But no.  Just another man who needs gentling.

Miriam-Webster’s Thesaurus:  for the times when you can’t write the word you really mean.

Epic Fail of the Month

While I give you full credit for coming up with an interesting euphamism for the female anatomy, you also have a hero wearing a sleeveless duster.  A.  Sleeveless.  Duster.  Go think about what you did wrong there. 

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

Category:  You Lazy Bastards, or, Was This Cover Really That Good?

Wow, you really had checked out for the weekend on this one, hadn’t you?

No, pink-washing it doesn’t give it a different “mood.”

Unbuttoning his shirt doesn’t help when it’s still the same shirt.

No, using Photoshop to reverse the image and change her hair color doesn’t make it different.

I just love how obviously bored she was through the entire photo shoot.

Category: Not As Sexy As You Seem to Think, or, Time for a New Title Intern

Look, I watch The Vampire Diaries and South Park; I know addiction is a really hot topic right now. But I’ve also seen Trainspotting and Requiem for a Dream, and they told me everything I need to know about addiction-fueled relationships.  Namely:  AVOID.

Because getting blackmailed into sex is totally hot. 

So is having sex with someone as an alternative to (1) actually having a winning argument, (2) having the werewithal, either literal or metaphorical, to pay for your own needs, or (3) jumping through those tedious legal loopholes to get what you want.

I’m guessing this is told from the point of view of either the spouse who suspects their partner of cheating or the PI/Cheaters crew hired to get photographic proof.

If you show me your pole, I’ll show you mine.

One question:  WTF?

I seriously hope this about her being knocked up, because otherwise there is a vague sense of threat that the vow her father made involves guns, strategically tied rope, or an oilslick on an empty highway….

Category: So Bad, or, His Badness, or El Baderino (if you’re not into the whole brevity thing)

Tattoo, spray tan, baby oil…hey, look, The Situation has a new gig!

That’s an “I’ll steal your credit card” shirt if I ever saw one. 

But it’s only wrong if she doesn’t let him finish second.

Category:  Wild Horses, or, Bad Analogy Number 127

You knew this was going to happen sooner or later. Don’t even try and pretend like you didn’t.

Riiiiiight.  That’s why the horses pictured all all running free on the range. Because they’re tame.

He even comes with reins already attached!  And while the half-shown cover at right looks like she’s using her necklace like a bit, I’m going to point out instead the fact that it’s a PEARL NECKLACE.  Lolz and ew.

Okay, look, if you’re going to use the damn analogy you can’t break it halfway through. Stallions don’t have arms, they have legs.  Go big or go home, people.

See?  It’s not that hard to maintain the conceit. Comparative thumbs up.

Category:  Thou Shalt Sin, or, God Is Watching So Make It Hot

May as well go back to the original, what?

I’m sure her pre-marital relations have made angels cry, etc., but in the relative scheme of things this is kind of a yawn as far as sins go.

Because she was born allergic to pants.  It’s a harrowing tale.  Trust.

You mean like body glitter?  Or is that supposed to be Alice Cullen?  Wait, it’s only on True Blood that god hates fangs. I’m so confused.

You know what’s sinful? THOSE PANTS.

What’s so sinful about making sweet sweet love in front of the fireplace?  Or–is that an ALLEGORICAL fire?

Because in this day and age of moral relativism, they’re getting so hard to find it takes the skills of a talented and highly trained investigator like Captain Sixpack to uncover them…

Epic Fail of the Month

Subtitle:  Why does this actually look a bit like Jason Mesnick, enough so that I hope he got paid for the use of his likeness?

or,

ABC’s fall 2010 twist on the series. 

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs. I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre. I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field. But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers. I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves. Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting. So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

Category: Just Keeping It Real

Sounds like a challenge.

Clearly, he failed. Hey, man, just keeping it real.

There’s only one kind of woman who would answer that call…

…for real.

Category: Dating and the 21st-century Single Girl

Personal protection–it’s not just about condoms anymore.

I can see the demotivator now: “HIDE AND SEEK: You’re doing it wrong.”

If I want to look like an unwashed skank, that is my business.

Hm. Not so sure I would use this as a dating strategy, but if it’s working for you….

Ah, the age of do-it-yourself instructionals. Clearly, there is no niche too small to be tapped by that market.

Too bad he plays for the other team.

Category:  Poorly Conceived Fanfiction

A reference to her chastity belt, perhaps?  If so, I’d read it, just because I’d be picturing Cary Elwes as Robin Hood due to that plot point in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.  Mm, Westley…

Man, rent is due and I’m out of ideas.  Let’s see, what bittersweet classic would lend itself to being re-worked as something tawdry and pseudo-fetishistic…

I had no idea Anthony Bourdain had extended his show’s purview to include brothels.

Let’s just take a moment to think about this, shall we?  A 19th-century gentlewoman, confronted with a shirtless man in broad daylight?  My guess is what Jane Austen would do is run.  Or scream.  Or faint.

Category:  The Scottish Obsession

Yes, it exists and has been diagnosed as a non-debilitating neurosis.

And some like it shirted.  Different strokes, I guess.

Please tell me this one really belongs in the bad fanfiction section, because it’s about Highlander. Otherwise he’s only leaving everyone in danger of pulling a muscle laughing so hard.

Speaking of the British Isles–is our stereotype of the Irish so firmly entrenched that we think even a duke can’t button his shirt or forego strapping on a knife?  Really?

Category:  Well-played, Title Intern

And I can see why he likes to steal it.  Point:  he is fugly and I suspect he knows it.  Point:  that outfit is made of no, and I KNOW he knows it.

Can that be true? Please?

A worthy successor to Cowboy Commando.  A++

And there’s even an extant cocktail of the same name to celebrate with, after.

This title is ace. I want to know what the librarian did!  Did she descriptively catalog his item?  Did she Dewey his decimal?  (I don’t know what that means but it sounds fun.)  See?  This is effective titling.

Category:  Let’s Watch a Video

As always, these don’t really need much in the way of explanation.

This one’s instructional.

SPECIAL BONUS: Epic Fail of the Month

Read the blurb from the back, paying special attention to how they spelled the names.  Bonus points if you can identify the dangling modifier.

Disclaimer:  Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.  So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

Category: Stating the Obvious

True story.

I mean, with a back like that, it’s not exactly a “secret,” but let’s humor hi–I mean, her.

That comes as no surprise. Anyone who spends that much time on his abs clearly swings both ways.

What did you think this was all about, fun and games?

Um, unless this is fanfiction about the Piemaker and Chuck from Pushing Daisies (RIP), what else was it going to be than touchable?

Category:  The Professionals Series

“Scarlet woman” about covers it.

That was the signal before electricity brought about the use of red lights.

She is such a professional, he actually thinks she’s enjoying herself.

I think we can all agree “kiss” is probably a euphamism in this context.

If that were “Melrose” instead of “Maple” it would explain everything.

Because you paid me for the whole night.

Category:  Not As Sexy As You Seem to Think

Dr. Frankenfurter, anyone?  Yeah.  Enough said.

Despite what romantic comedies say, stalking is never hot.

I don’t know about you, but I’d have thought a succubus wouldn’t need silicone enhancement.  Can’t tell for sure?  Observe:

See what I mean? Totally fake.  And she’s a succubus!  That’s just sad.  Actually, now that I think about it, it might be a compelling storyline, the worst succubus in the whole wide world….

Yes, my friends, that is ass cleavage.  There are no others words.  Except “WTF” and “why.”

Again with the wrong kind of cleavage. That is never sexy.

Girlfriend, bras are not the enemy. Trust.

Category:  Why Fantasy and Romance Shouldn’t Mix

I hope she means as a snack.  Team Brunette FTW!

The original Firecrotch.

That just…how does it work?  I have never understood the mechanics of it.

I mean, really:  how does that work?

Let me guess–”OMG. you’re a merman! WTF?”

Why is he impaling her with his sword and not the dragon?  Wait, what?  That’s an allegorical painting?  That…oh.  I get it now. 

There’s nothing really wrong with these, I guess.  They just look like all the worst cliches of fantasy put together.  But, hey, that’s what people want, right–more of the same?

I guess in this instance it’s safe to assume the book won’t pretend to be about someone’s “inner beauty.”

Disclaimer:  Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempts to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m spotlighting.  So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

Category:  Village Person or Dancer?  You Decide

AKA, The Fireman

AKA, The Indian

AKA, The Cop

AKA, The Cowboy.  And you thought I was joking.  All we’re missing is The Sailor…

Category:  Is It Hot in Here or Something?

I guess it is!

No, seriously, it is.

Everything is hot in here!  Even the sheets!  (I am NOT considering that silk might not be referring to actual fabric)

That’s hot! That’s like…dying of brain fever hot. Sexy.

Hm…did he get a chigger down there or something, the way he’s holding that towel?

They make you sweat.

AKA, the most unfortunate time to engage in bondage play, or, alternatively, the worst time to have your house burn down.  Depends on your priorities, I suppose.

I think that one just about covers it.

Category:  Take Me Down to Paradise City

Where the grass is green

and the girls are pretty

oh, won’t you please take me doooown….

And all this time I never knew how the native Hawai’in names translated into English.

Resisting…The Bachelor joke…about foamy waves and overnight dates…systems fail…

Category:  Men in Uniforms

“In” blue

Does anyone really think “gun” works as a euphamism?  Anyone? No?

Clever pun, title intern.

Not such a clever pun, title intern. Because that just sounds…illegal and not sexy.  Quite frightening, actually. Think about it next time. 

I’m not really sure which lines of the Percy Sledge song to parody here.  “If she’s bad he can’t see it, she can do no wrong”?  “Spend his very last dime trying to hold on to what he needs”?  The options are limitless…

Category:  Best. Cover. Ever.:  a shortlist

This model is so over posing as the effeminate lord of the night. “Gurl, look elsewhere” is what I’m getting.

I just…I don’t…Is that LIGHTNING?  Coming from his PANTS?  I just…no words.  Lightning. Crotch. Holy shit.

Because pirates, of course, were notoriously fussy about things like being clean and shaven at all times.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Ha! Two things every man wants to avoid but might find irresistable after enough shots.

Heart.  I think this is my favorite cover ever.

Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempt to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m presenting here for your amusement.  So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

I’m trying something a bit different with the categories:  showing off one of my favorite product lines–Anne Taintor’s vintage humor–for the categories. 

Category:  “Bad Santa”

Because nothing says “heterosexual man” like open-chested red faux fur. Believe.

Just in time for Halloween:  the Slutty Mrs. Claus!

Hm.  His expression is entirely too ominous for the jolly fat man. This seems more threatening than merry. “So sorry, I’m Jewish. Just remembered.”

Obviously this is a re-working of the old poem. I think it starts something like this:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the brothel
Not a creature was sleeping, but no one could tell
The stockings were hung on the doorknobs with care
To alert all the housemates that someone was there…

   Category:  “AKA, WTF”

This isn’t even vaguely ominous, it’s just flat-out depressing. I mean, I know a lot of stories are about orphans alone on Christmas who find a new family, but why do I want to read about someone BECOMING orphaned?  I can go watch the alternate-universe A Christmas Carol for that.

Also, it lends itself to equally creepy sequels.

For example, one of these. 

Wait, you think i’m joking?  The tagline at left, in case you can’t read it, is “Haunt me, baby.”

HAUNT ME, BABY.

They are not talking about the spirit of joy and philanthropy, here!

  
I just…it’s just…really?  Really?  You had to bring NASCAR into this?  Really?

Yeah.  This one just gets a reiteration:  WTF.

We’re seriously going to exploit the pride we have in our servicemen like this?  Badly done, Harlequin Blaze. Badly done, indeed.

Category:  “Festivus for the Rest of Us!”

Well, yes, doing it in a cemetery is pretty wicked, even for a couple pagans.

Dude must have some kind of serious waissail recipe, if he can trot around in a blizzard without a shirt on.

And I’m guessing this is the ancestor who originated it?

Wow, it’s like a fantasy planet with those Monk Lewis-esque pearlescent orbs gleaming like two extra moons in the night.

Category:  “All I Want for Christmas Is Some Nookie”

For realz. Why the hell else do you think i’m running around the Highlands in December without my shirt on?  (Or my drawers?)

And gold lamee. But mostly seduction.

You have twelve nights.  Make them count.

You do listen well, don’t you?

The red ribbon makes it look bigger.

Category:  “Clearly, You Went with Naughty”

I think this guy is trying out “D**k in a Box”! 

Gives a whole new meaning to “suck my candy cane,” doesn’t it?

The store was fresh out of coal, so you’re getting rope, instead. You’ll be just as sorry.

Misunderstanding entirely the “gay spirit” of the season, Brady decided to wait up for Santa.

Why is this innocent-seeming cover with this charming and innocent-seeming young lady in the Naughty section, you ask?  The inside cover explains it all.  Allow me:

I mean, you just never know what kind of rogue will be lurking in a holly thicket on a red velvet chaise longue in a snowstorm, waiting to pounce. 

I think this guy looks ready to watch some NASCAR, don’t you?

And one more for the road, to get your New Year started off right: 

Er, started “right.”  Over-the-knee boots are all kinds of wrong and kind of make you look like you need to get paid first…but that’s what you’re going for, right?

Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempt to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m presenting here for your amusement.  So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

Category:  That’s Just Funny

I don’t know what that wolf has to do with anything, but at least it’s not photoshopped as an extension of his crotch this time.

So let me get this straight:  he’s abducting her, ON HORSEBACK, in the middle of a BLIZZARD, with nothing but a FLASHLIGHT to steer by?  Wow.  Colorado really needs to step up its villainy.

There are no words.  It’s just funny.

Because playing hard to get was too challenging?

Apparently Bodyguarding 101 doesn’t discuss the importance of shirts in hiding the fact that you’re packing.  That’s not kid stuff, after all.

Category:  Did You Fail Math?

Seriously. Did you?

Okay, you’re right, that is one cowboy. But if he’s out wrangling steers without a shirt, he’s not exactly lucky. Trust.

Is she schizophrenic or something? Because I’m only seeing one.

Tagline: “It’ll take more than one man to rescue her.”  Really? Cause, again, I’m only seeing one, and I’m just not sure Mike the Tiger back there is going to be much help on a rescue mission.

Category:  Every Little Niche

.
This one’s for the cannibals out there.

Okay, how many blind people out there are (1) into bestiality and (2) into it enough to ask their personal reader to narrate this to them?  Alternatively, how many bestiality fetishists also have a hard-on for the visually impaired?

It takes a special person to read Star Trek sexcapades.  Oh, who am I kidding?  If this were really about Star Trek we all know I’d be reading it.

She puts Tabasco on everything.  Everything.

Speaking of crazy Cajuns, they the only ones get turned on by dem hurricanes, y’all.

For those who prefer to read their torture-porn instead of watching Lars von Trier’s  Antichrist again.

Category: Way to give away the ending, title intern

About the one stripper in the city who really is dancing her way through school.

I wonder if he’s telling her to call him Captain Hammer. 

How are they doing it, again?

Like that, too, huh?

Obviously a happy ending–does the saying all’s well that ends well apply between the sheets?

Category:  You Couldn’t Try a Bit Harder?

Seriously?  This picture was that good?

Um.  Point of interest? 
Exposed corsets haven’t
been taboo or all you need
for a fever-hot dream since,
like, 1890.

Here, Kitty, Kitty….

 Oh, wait, that’s been done, too:

     
Please tell me he is talking to that tiger. 

  Category:  She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy

I don’t even want to think about how much that would hurt on horseback.

Is this a tie-in novel to the old show (“And a good day to you, sir!”), or about a couple into some serious disfigurement S&M?  Or maybe she has to have one to distract him from the steers?

At a guess, it doesn’t take much–he seems to be doing a pretty good job of seducing himself.

This picture puts me in mind of Ben Stiller’s character in Tropic Thunder, and his series of Scorcher movies.   

  Eh? 

The really sad part is that I want to give this guy a pass simply for not waxing off his chest hair.

Category:  Just…Wrong

The picture tells you they mean it literally, not figuratively.  And that, yes, they do know the correct usage of each word.

From where I’m sitting, all I’m seeing is a bad-dressing girl.  If red pleather is what it takes these days…well, then I’ll just have to take your word about the fun, too.

The speculative expression on his face tells me he is plotting revenge on her for giving him gonorrhea, and from the title I infer it will involve some kind of arson.

Category:  Just Rent the Video

Because, seriously, there are no words.  Tell me these don’t look exactly like the covers of what you find in the back room of that sketchy non-corporate video store.

I love how the book at left there expresses its feelings for that threesome.  Well played, random paranormal, well-played.

Category:  Fanfiction

A supplement to the final Twilight book, about the time Edward and Bella do it while she’s still human.

More Twilight.  I can’t decide if this is another supplement to the final book, about Bella having Edward Sparkles’s glittery vampire baby, or Book 5:  Nessie’s All Grown Up and Ready to Bite.

About Battlestar Galactica‘s resident Cylon-with-a-red-dress-on.

By Barney Stinson.  Subtitle, What to Do When Her Crazy Becomes Dominant:  One man’s life-threatening delve into the secrets of the Vicky Mendoza Crazy/Hot Scale, AKA the Mendoza Diagonal.

Category:  Someone Should Have Thought About This

From the way they photoshopped that cover together, it looks like the destiny of this wolf is to become his new mistress.  Or that the wolf is his penis, and it’s about Centolf’s journey of self-discovery.  Either way.

Doin’ it the impossible way is more like!

If that’s not Madeleine on the cover, then how is she possible getting educated?  That padawan isn’t even shaving yet!

Not to go all grammar nerd on you, but didn’t anyone ever tell you that you can’t use a pronoun without a proper antecedent?  I don’t know what “it” is in this context.  Maybe an STD?  I’m scared.

Because I’m not sure you know it.

Category:  These People Need Help, Not Enabling

Pop quiz!  Is Amanda (a) a madame intent on pimping young boys out for cash; (2) a MILF who likes her lovers like her scotch, aged 18 years; (c) a nymphomaniac who can only be satisfied with the boundless enthusiasm of a teenager?

Seriously, someone please explain to me the obsession with erotic asphixiation/necrophilia.  I don’t get it.

A painfully honest memoir from a sex addict.

The latest in the Harlequin Professionals line.

This just reminds me of an adult film plotline. 

Category:  Blatantly Obvious

It’s all in a day’s work. I just hope this is about a female executive taking advantage of her male secretary or intern or something, instead of another secretary (but another Secretary, like the James Spader/Maggei Gyllenhaal movie, would be okay!). 

Is all that I have to give. 

And none of yours, Robert. Ha!

Well, we know where this book takes place.  That sheet is a pretty flimsy disguise, though, for a double-agent.  Unless you are double-agenting as a call girl.  In which case…keep up the excellent work.

Hey, at least it’s not a wolf this time!

Category:  Blatantly Obvious

Well, that’s about as honest as you can get about what the thrust of the book is.

Now.

Oh, I’m sorry.  Did you think I wanted you for your mind?

Sadly, the interns assigned to title this book thought they were making a clever cowboy pun.  Unfortunately no one told them he was an urban cowboy.

by Usher and Ludacris.  The tie-in novel to “Yeah!”

I really hope this is about pirates.  But I suspect the booty here has nothing to do with gold.

Category:  Bestiality

A book name that could be suggestive merely of humankind’s underlying mammalian nature.  But I think once you see what else this section had to offer you’ll understand the title is a bit more literal than that….

This book could be a cowgirl/Indian novel, where the hero is a brave named Coyote.  But the cover art proves otherwise.

Note that she is committing two sins here:  consorting with an animal, and, more provokingly, not wearing a shirt.

I’m confused.  Is the beast the man, or whatever animal used to own that skin he’s wearing?

Category:  Fetishes

About the joys of erotic asphyxiation.

The inevitable sequel, in which things end badly.

Introducing the S&M twins.

This adventurous virgin makes a pun out the boundary  “everything but.”

Because a threesome just wasn’t enough.

Category:  Someone Should Have Thought About This

Don’t worry, I’ve already gotten a shot for it.

Because there’ s a roofie in it!

Who needs science?  Apparently he carries a WMD in his pants!

I am at a loss as to what “chosen sin” this cover is trying to suggest. Because my immediate thought is the sin of not wearing a shirt. And all I can think is, “Oh, honey, NO, even if you DID just wax off all your chest hair and can’t bear the touch of even the most baby-soft worn-cotton T-shirt right now. Just…no.”

A heart-warming memoir by a 19^th-century professional.