World’s Worst Interview with Victor Gischler

In case you haven’t noticed, over the past few weeks Boomtron has been republishing Victor Gischler’s World’s Worst Interview series, which he conducted on his old blog at the end of 2004 through the middle of 2005. Needless to say, I’ve been getting more than a few belly laughs out of the series, and after reading Gischler’s interview with George Pelecanos, I thought to myself,

“Ya know, self, you’re a pretty awful interviewer. You should try writing one of these things.”

And I said to myself, “Ya know what, self, fuck you. But you’re right. I bet doing one of these things would be a blast.”

So, I decided to go right to the source of the World’s Worst Interview—critically renowned pulp novelist, Victor Gischler.

I hope you enjoy.

So, uhhh, every time I’m on twitter you’re posting that you’re drinking wine or barbecuing. Are you pretty much drunk all day long?

Victor Gischler: Not all day long. But who wants to hear “I just had a Fresca. Now I’m eating vegetables.” Booooring.

I read you wrote a movie with that motorcycle dude. Could you tell him that I’m still waiting for him to send me the beers he owes me? He’s got my address.

It’s hard to send a draft beer through the mail. The envelope gets soggy. But I’ll tell him. He’s good for it.

You write comic books. Do you feel a little ripped off that you don’t get to write about a real X-man like Dazzler, or that cyborg dude the Polish guy writes about?

Actually, back when I was a teenager and reading comics regularly, I read A LOT of Dazzler. Love her. Seriously. No, really. Honestly, I never know what’s going to catch my attention. People are often surprised.

Your newest book looks like one of those vampire novels all the twelve-year-old girls and housewives are into. What’s up with that?

Hey, their money is as green as anyone else’s. I want to be J.K. Rowling rich!

I read you teach somewhere. Isn’t that kind of tough to do with your drinking problem?

Show me somebody who can teach at a community college without a few drinks, and I’ll show you a true super hero. I mean, really, those teachers work HARD.

Have you been receiving threats because you’re not writing crime fiction anymore? You got those from me, right?

Dude, I am writing crime fiction! The Deputy comes out from Tyrus Books in Spring 2010.

My editor, Brian Lindenmuth, is really into fantasies about having sex with cartoon animals, and he wanted me to ask you this. If you were in a prison for cartoon characters, which Disney character would you not want to be the bitch of?

Goofy. Let’s not pursue that any further.

Pork or beef? What makes you sweat more?

I prefer beef. Mexican food makes me sweat … and then I get a little sleepy.

What’s next for you? I need to know so I can accuse you of plagiarism when the book comes out.

That’s a damn fine question. I have about a half dozen ideas for a novel in multiple genres, and I’m having a very hard time deciding what to pursue next. Perhaps I’ll have an epiphany. I’d settle for a delusion.

Who would win in a knife fight, Oprah or the chick that plays the indestructible cheerleader? I say the cheerleader, she’s hot.

Sarah Palin. She’s a bulldog with lipstick.

Who should everyone be reading at this exact second? Don’t think about it, just answer!

Me. Also Joe Meno. I read The Boy Detective Fails a few years ago and still can’t stop talking about it. Crimedog peeps Anthony Neil Smith and Sean Doolittle also. I like Charlie Williams, Ray Banks, Al Guthrie. Richard K. Morgan’s Altered Carbon is kick ass. Christa Faust.

Would you introduce me to your agent? I hear he’s a really cool guy and I have this idea about reviving Ambush Bug that I want to run past him.

I’ll introduce you to somebody’s agent. Maybe mine. Maybe not.

Alright, everybody, let’s give Mr. Gischler a hand for being such a good sport. And make sure to go and pick up a copy of Victor’s newest effort, Vampire-A-Go-Go available now from Touchstone Publishing, and The Deputy from Tyrus is available for pre-order.